You all know these moments when you sit in front of your screen, desperate to find something to do, right? You start a game, only to quit it instantly. Twitter/Tumblr/Facebook is boring and your favorite fanfic author is late with the new chapter. A boring evening is looming over your head.
But fear not. I found a means to end boredom. For free.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Dreadful, have you come completely insane? Nothing is for free in this cruel world based on capitalism, made to make the most money out of the misery of people.” And you’re right. But there are little pockets of sunshine, of rebellion. Where people like you and me (well, maybe not me) create things to make other people happy. And this happyness is all they need to live. That and the leftovers from trashcans. So, if you see someone hungry next time, buy them a hotdog, because you never now. Maybe they’ll throw over capitalism, once they aren’t hungry anymore.
So let me introduce to you: The Fanficmaker or “The most awful fanfics you’ll ever read. Probably. At least if you usually skip fanfics by 11 year old MLP fans. Promise.”
To prove my point and to show you how awesome this creator is, I’m presenting to you the Mass Effect Adventures of Shepard Jr. by Dreadful Sanity. Made with the Fanficmaker and not my own brain. No, I didn’t write this myself. I have at least 20 years left until my brain turns back to 11 years. Though I’m already to old to have been a MLP fan back then.
Shepard stopped and gazed into space.
It was happening; She couldn’t help thinking about Kaidan again. She tried not too. Desperate to avoid the thoughts that could not be, no, – would not be- held back.
But like dozens of unstoppable loyal followerss they came creeping forward till they filled Her brain;
Kaidans smile shined like tin foil, as impressive as a uranus, it filled the manor house and Shepard was helplessly but willingly absorbed into them.
Kaidans eyes were like cricketballs.If you rolled them they would go quite far. Kaidans legs were like a giraffe. Straight and tight. Kaidans chest was like a Ninjas. Powerful and impossible to ignore
How could Shepard not be helpless in the face of that? I mean, sure, Shepard and Kaidan had sex with eachother before, when they met at a club once, but it was just a casual thing. One of many that night.
Before things got too messy Shepard snapped out of it. But the thoughts of Kaidan would be back. Would She be able to resist next time?
It was a dark and stormy night…
Shepard was finding it really hard to concentrate at this movement her thoughts kept trying to think of Kaidan. Despite what was happening, it was hard to focus!
Once upon a time, after my great adventures, I was wondering what to do that week. I had picked up my life from where I left it and wanted to make something from it.She wanted to make her father proud. Then all the sudden a strange woman appeared on my doorstep. She was hidden beneath a long cloak and had long brown nails on her fingers. Her dirty hair fluished down from beneath the cloak and she had glowing eyes! I thought I remembered seeing her in my dreams the past couple of weeks, almost as if it was a premonition
“You are not who you think you are!” said the strange woman.
“What do you mean?” I said.
“You are not who you think you are,” she said again with a mysterious crackling voice like a bad radio transmission.
“I still don’t understand you?” I said.
“Here, take this,” she said and gave me an Buddy Christ.
“Take this and give it to your parents or guardian, they will know what to do with it!”
And with that she disappeared before my eyes!
I was confused but thought that I had to do something. But rather than going to my parents or guardian, I decided to show it to Garrus.
“Oh no,” said Garrus, “you must forget about this!”
“Why?” I enquired, “what do you know?!”
“I… I can’t tell you. My dear Shepard Jr., I didn’t think it would be this soon!”
“What?!” I yelled, “are you keeping things away from me?!”
“It’s …. it’s for your own good! You cannot know this!” said Garrus and before I could do anything, Garrus had escaped my grasp.
“No! Dammit! When will I ever know the truth?!”
I was feeling depressed. One of my best friends abandoned and betrayed me. It hurt. I cut myself to make the pain go away, but it only helped a bit. So I wanted to find Dreadful Sanity. After their adventure, I and Dreadful Sanity had been spending a lot of time together. I kind of started to like her and after I had only recently discovered that I was bisexual, Dreadful Sanity seemed like the perfect girl to be around with! So I went to Dreadful Sanity and told the whole story. She listened to me without saying a single word.
Then she said: “WTF, this is sooo big”
And I said: I know! Do you know a way to find out what is happening? Why is everyone hiding things from me?!”
Dreadful Sanity sighed and said: “You have always been special, and not just to me.”
“How do you know that?”
Dreadful Sanity looked at the hand mirror that I had received and said: “it kind of looks like the Prezel Sticks, doesn’t it?”
“could be…but it might not be…but, yeah,certainly it might be”
“Whatever it is, I can recognise it quite well. And I think,” Dreadful Sanity said, “that perhaps the mysterious woman wanted you to find something inside of you.
“Inside? Like my heart?”
“No, don’t be silly, like a memory. Think about it, if your parents lied to you and now Garrus doesn’t want to talk to you about your background, perhaps there is a hidden memory in your head!”
Dreadful Sanity’s logic was flawless. So I had to try it!
So I concentrated on the object. immeditately I felt drawn into it. It started out as a vague, fuzzy thing like when you wear glasses and there is a lot of moisture in the air and you see a cock on the horizon. (A cock? Really? A/N) But then it turned out that there was a secret memory, hidden beneath the vail layer of self-loving in my head.
And within that memory, a burning figure appeared. It was Darth Vader! In hell… (Not so far from the truth, is it? A/N)
I was confused. I didn’t think that memory would be in there, and yet it was there, burning like the heart of a newborn star and the centre of the earth.
Fortunately Garrus worked at a newspaper nowadays (He probably calibrates the printers or something like that. A/N) and he used the database of the newspaper to find out home turf of Darth Vader’s ruffians.
Their search led to a gay night club in the darkiest and stormiest part of SSV Normandy. (aka the engine room A/N) I was a little hesitant to go. It was rather scary and it was dark and stormy in that secting of SSV Normandy. But the courage in me was greater than my fear because with my snark I should be able to accomplish anything, right, I thought to myself.
And Garrus would join me.
So not to fall out of fashion we both stripped and squeezed into their most gothyest clothing. I had to admit that Garrus looked kind of sexy in that outfit of his. But I didn’t dare to comment on that. (Tell me of a single Shepard who wouldn’t go for it. Just a single one! So unrealistic! A/N)
I instead poored down my soul into my make-up. I bore incandesent blood-rose coloured finger nails with black streaking strips and gave Garrus the same treatment. Garrus gorgeous eyes met mine and for a moment we were both swimming in a pool made of a lovely combination of their eyes colours. It was romance we knew, but we didn’t know whether it was a forbidden one or not!
Oh hell, Darth Vader could wait. Now I looked upon Garrus with lust filling my bait. Darth Vader could be taking over the world for what I cared, now it should be all about me and Garrus.
But little did I know that in fact Garrus had been lusting after me as well! With force and lust Garrus threw me onto the closet and thrusted himself right into me. I moaned. We came. Then we went off and defeated Darth Vader.
And then, at the worst possible moment. It happened. Again.
Shepard gazed at Kaidan.
It was impossible to resist this time. Like a cart Shepard was pulled towards Kaidan. It was a like guerilla tactics in a war. It was a like a spike bayonet piercing through Her heart. (and other lower regions of the body) It was a like magnets.
There was No resisting. No mercy. No Pants. (Pants are useless anyway. A/N) No longer anything else mattered.
Kaidan looked shocked and then…and then…not shocked. He had known all along.
Of course. How could Shepard have been so stupid? Those long looks at eachother,the times they gazed at the stars together, the candle lit dinners. The steamy showers.. The non stop sex.
It wasn’t just friendship. It never was. It was more and Kaidan had known all along.
“I knew” Kaidan said.
“oh” Shepard said, realizing all this for the first time.
But there was more…Kaidan wasn’t pulling away. He was pushing tighter. Holding Shepard like a wild hares.
At some point their clothes came off.
They got ripped in the process of the pashioning
She didn’t care. This is what She had needed for so long. too long. Century. maybe more.
But this was now now.
Shepard and Kaidan together at last!
They canoddled like lovers and made love with their naughty bits.
They took it in turns inserting their bits into eachother. Shepard inserted her bit into Kaidan. (Uhm… A/N)Then Kaidan inserted his bit into Shepard. They repeated this a few times. Toys were used.
Afterwards (when they had finished cleaning their bits) they looked at eachother as if for the first time and had a cigarette.
But they knew they must leave.
They didn’t want anyone to see.
Their forbidden love must remain hidden for now. Perhaps forever.
Shepard took one last look at Kaidan.
“Goodbye my snuggly one”
“Love you too, my one and only Shepard”
And then they departed.
I do wonder? What happened to Darth Vader? Is Kaidan Darth Vader? Does that mean Shepard is Padme? Will we ever know?
I had a laugh. That makes the Fanficmaker worth a million dollar to me. If I had a million dollor. So, did you try it? Did you like the result? What was your setting? Which passages made you laugh out loud? Share it in the comments or on Twitter. Don’t forget to tag me. 🙂
Have a great start in the week. Until next time. Toodles! 😘